Psychological Impact of Marital Dissolution on the Nuclear Family:
Communication Traps & Myths
Part IV: Divorce Really Sucks (a iew from the trenches)
Even in the best of circumstances, the divorce process is an emotionally traumatic event which gives rise to several myths to be recognized and avoided during the tenure of a divorce. A non-exclusive list of pitfalls to avoid include the following:
1. A husband or wife should take great care to address their feelings directly as to what is occurring and avoid projecting those feelings on to others, especially with regard to family, friends, attorneys, counselors and others involved in the process. Spouses should take great care to remember that they are not married to their counselors or legal representatives, but it is very easy and emotionally convenient to feel “all of this money I am losing and all of these fees and pain are my lawyer’s fault” or “the opposing lawyer’s fault.” Certainly, as with all occupations, trades or work, there are some disreputable attorneys who will exploit an emotional trauma for gain. By and large, however, extensive expensive divorces at some point inevitably result from the lack of emotional acceptance of the spouses of the process, their own feelings, and the simple truth that a good deal of pain and grief must be dealt with before the matter may be concluded.
2. “Life can remain stable and normal during a divorce.” In some rare cases and to some degree this can happen. However, in the vast majority of divorces, failure to address the pain and grief inevitable in divorce will only repress the truth of what is occurring and the grief and pain will return at some time in the future. A more constructive approach is to directly address one’s feelings, pain, and dissolution of the property estate as fully as possible during the process. Psychological counseling is extremely productive during this process.
3. “I just want it over!” “I just want out!” Issues that are not fully resolved in the divorce process will return. Denial results in post-divorce modifications, post-divorce custody suits and post-divorce clarification proceedings which frequently are more expensive in attorney’s fees and lost time from employment than what the total amount of the cost of the divorce would have been had these issues been directly addressed and resolved.
4. “I want to take him/her to the cleaners!” This approach denies basic law of dissolution and is an unscrupulous lawyer’s dream come true. In truth, there are no victors in a divorce. Regardless of the facts or egregious circumstances, there are no winners. If the emotional aspects of a divorce are addressed properly and therapeutically and if acceptance of the dissolution occurs quickly, there may however be survivors, not the least of which are the children of the marriage.
5. “It was all my fault.” There are many divorces where fault is substantially placed, and should be placed, on one of the spouses. However, in the vast majority of divorce cases, the simple truth is both spouses share in the blame, not the least of which was the original decision (poor judgment) to enter into a relationship that may have been doomed form the beginning. Denial of this type results in poor decision making regarding placement of the children, possession periods, the amount of child support and other issues which inevitably arise again in the future resulting in attorney’s fees and expenses well in excess of what they would have been if true feelings had been dealt with at the time of the original divorce.
It has been this writer’s experience that, but for extremely rare exceptions, anxiety and/or depression will occur while the grief reaction runs its course. If the spouses have accepted the emotional divorce, the result is frequently depression. However, depression can be dealt with clinically and with medication. Depression while dehabilitating will pass in time as the grief reaction runs its course and with the help of coping skills learned or used to expedite the process. If the parties have not accepted the emotional divorce, the inevitable result is chronic and habitual anxiety. Anxiety is the killer. It has no beginning and no end and undermines the real issues in the divorce, working with the children for an understanding transition, employment and other life needs and beliefs. With proper acceptance, guidance and counseling, although there can be no winners, there certainly can be survivors and a relative fresh start. A broken home, free of depression and anxiety where the children understand that they have not been divorced but are in a new environment where they have two loving homes free of anxiety and depression, is infinitely better, healthier and more productive to their development and self-actualization as they become adults than a chronic anxiety-filled life wherein two spouses contaminate the nuclear relationship with denial, anxiety and discontent.
Nacol Law Firm PC
Office of Attorney Mark Nacol
Serving clients in the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex for over 30 years
Tel: 972-690 -3333
Monday, April 20, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Divorce really sucks (a view from the trenches) Part 3
Psychological Impact Of Marital Dissolution On The Nuclear Family - or How does divorce make you feel?
Divorce Wars/Legal Strategies and Myths
The cost, effectiveness, pain, and complexity of a divorce is frequently directly related to that point in time in which the man and woman accept an emotional divorce. Generally, the divorce commences at the time of the filing of the petitioner’s original petition and ends, absent appeal, thirty days following the entry of a final judgment of divorce. The emotional divorce, however, may occur prior to the commencement of the action, during the commencement of the action, or following entry of a final judgment. Likewise, the emotional divorce may be accepted prior to the commencement of the action, following the filing of the original petition or after entry of a final judgment. Although there are a number of cases in which fault primarily rests with one spouse, experience has shown that emotional acceptance, in the vast majority of divorce cases, can only occur when both husband and wife accept partial fault. In other words, at the core of all marital disputes is the unrecognized and repressed reality that both parties may have made a poor judgment in electing to commence the marital compact in the first place.
Absent adult and real emotional acceptance of some level of partial responsibility for failed judgment, divorce wars can evolve primarily to establish who is “wrong” or “responsible” or “at fault” and generally lead to higher costs, attorney’s fees, expense, expert fees and other strategical expenses necessary to fully put forward the position of the client. The ammunition employed by the attorney on behalf of the client is available from a number of categories, including temporary and, in some cases, post-divorce alimony, asset distribution, asset allocation, child support, possession periods with the children, holidays with the children, payment of attorney’s fees, depositions, document discovery and analysis, psychological evaluations, drug testing, etc.
If, in fact, the emotional acceptance of the dissolution has occurred prior to or relatively near commencement of the divorce proceeding, it is much simpler and emotionally constructive to address the underlying core issues in the divorce more quickly and effectively. Those issues in a relationship with children, blended or otherwise, should and frequently do in an acceptance situation, revolve around the best interest of the children and the constructive approach to an adult respectful resolution that takes into account the future stability and workability of the husband and wife and particularly the children to a relationship. Frequently, the key to a quick, more cost effective and therapeutic result is the employment of qualified counselors to aid the parties on this very difficult and complicated road that must be walked prior to commencing a different life following dissolution. When there are children involved, the sooner the parties recognize that though they may divorce one another they are not divorcing their children, the sooner the recovery process can begin. Regardless of fault, responsibility or other adversarial issues, for both husband and wife, there will be future soccer games, T-ball games, graduations, marriages, funerals, reunions and other social events which in all reasonable probability, they will both be in attendance. So long as both spouses place the best interests of the child above their own best interest, in a large majority of the cases, regardless of who is at fault, a reasonable and cost effective result may be expeditiously accomplished.
The Nacol Law Firm PC
Attorney Mark Nacol
Serving clients in the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex for over 30 years
972-690-3333
Divorce Wars/Legal Strategies and Myths
The cost, effectiveness, pain, and complexity of a divorce is frequently directly related to that point in time in which the man and woman accept an emotional divorce. Generally, the divorce commences at the time of the filing of the petitioner’s original petition and ends, absent appeal, thirty days following the entry of a final judgment of divorce. The emotional divorce, however, may occur prior to the commencement of the action, during the commencement of the action, or following entry of a final judgment. Likewise, the emotional divorce may be accepted prior to the commencement of the action, following the filing of the original petition or after entry of a final judgment. Although there are a number of cases in which fault primarily rests with one spouse, experience has shown that emotional acceptance, in the vast majority of divorce cases, can only occur when both husband and wife accept partial fault. In other words, at the core of all marital disputes is the unrecognized and repressed reality that both parties may have made a poor judgment in electing to commence the marital compact in the first place.
Absent adult and real emotional acceptance of some level of partial responsibility for failed judgment, divorce wars can evolve primarily to establish who is “wrong” or “responsible” or “at fault” and generally lead to higher costs, attorney’s fees, expense, expert fees and other strategical expenses necessary to fully put forward the position of the client. The ammunition employed by the attorney on behalf of the client is available from a number of categories, including temporary and, in some cases, post-divorce alimony, asset distribution, asset allocation, child support, possession periods with the children, holidays with the children, payment of attorney’s fees, depositions, document discovery and analysis, psychological evaluations, drug testing, etc.
If, in fact, the emotional acceptance of the dissolution has occurred prior to or relatively near commencement of the divorce proceeding, it is much simpler and emotionally constructive to address the underlying core issues in the divorce more quickly and effectively. Those issues in a relationship with children, blended or otherwise, should and frequently do in an acceptance situation, revolve around the best interest of the children and the constructive approach to an adult respectful resolution that takes into account the future stability and workability of the husband and wife and particularly the children to a relationship. Frequently, the key to a quick, more cost effective and therapeutic result is the employment of qualified counselors to aid the parties on this very difficult and complicated road that must be walked prior to commencing a different life following dissolution. When there are children involved, the sooner the parties recognize that though they may divorce one another they are not divorcing their children, the sooner the recovery process can begin. Regardless of fault, responsibility or other adversarial issues, for both husband and wife, there will be future soccer games, T-ball games, graduations, marriages, funerals, reunions and other social events which in all reasonable probability, they will both be in attendance. So long as both spouses place the best interests of the child above their own best interest, in a large majority of the cases, regardless of who is at fault, a reasonable and cost effective result may be expeditiously accomplished.
The Nacol Law Firm PC
Attorney Mark Nacol
Serving clients in the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex for over 30 years
972-690-3333
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Divorce really sucks (a view from the trenches) Part 2
Psychological Impact Of Marital Dissolution On The Nuclear Family - or
How does divorce make you feel?
Part II: Divorce really sucks (a view from the trenches)
Why do marriages fail? This writer has noted that there are a number of reoccurring causes for failure of the marital relationship. Among them, a nonexclusive list of these causes are:
1. Control issues. Clearly unwanted control of the marital relationship from this writer’s view is the most dominating cause of marital failure. Control can be mental, physical or emotional. It can extend to who manages the marital estate, who has decision powers or input regarding asset acquisition and who shares information that goes to the core and lifetime issues of a marriage. Control is also impacted by simple unsolicited power – who manages the feelings of the husband and wife; are there limitations or artificial prerequisites to expressing feelings; are there false expectations; are there abuse issues. Abuse issues can be mental or physical. Although physical abuse is the most reported, clearly emotional abuse is an overwhelming reason for divorce as it relates to control of one spouse over the other.
2. Outside forces. Parents, grandparents, great grandparents influence on the marital relationship, separate estates, proceeds, trusts, lands, stipends, independent wealth issues, religious issues, and step-children issues. Frequently, in blended families, step-children, children of the half blood, adopted or otherwise can be a crowning achievement for the blended family or a death sentence to its continuation. Although men and women wish, choose, and strive to accept another person’s child as their own, and in many cases are extremely successful in that regard, more often than not, artificial and unrealistic expectations of one spouse as to the other spouse’s attitude toward his or her children disrupt the marital relationship and place the non-blood spouse in an impossible position. Children of another marriage are frequently, depending on age and maturity, excellent adept manipulators of this difficult situation, sometimes terribly aggravating the problem and accelerating the breakdown of the marriage.
3. Adultery. Adultery, though a cause of divorce, is almost always a symptom rather than a cause. People seek escape from stress, control, abuse, alcoholism, etc. both male and female, and often adultery (if not obsessive or compulsive) is a mere anesthetic and self-medication for feeling bad. When the emotional divorce has not been accepted, when the relationship has devolved into anxiety, depression, or high stress levels, people seek relief from those pains in others.
4. Addiction. Alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addiction, illicit sex addiction all contribute to and are conducive to a failed marital relationship. By far, alcoholism is the highest and best candidate for failure in the view of this writer. However, any form of addictive behavior which places an addictive person’s type of conduct or activity in the center of a relationship, at some point and time in the future, is dooming the husband and wife for the divorce lawyer’s office. There have been remarkable strides in treatment in recent years. There are rehabilitative, medical, and therapeutic answers to many of these issues that did not exist in the past. Still, without exception, there must be a full acceptance of the addicted person of his or her problem for these therapeutic means to result in an acceptable end.
The Nacol Law Firm PC
Law office of Dallas Attorney Mark Nacol
Serving clients in the Dallas - Fort Worth Metroplex Areas for over 30 years
Tel: 972-690-3333
How does divorce make you feel?
Part II: Divorce really sucks (a view from the trenches)
Why do marriages fail? This writer has noted that there are a number of reoccurring causes for failure of the marital relationship. Among them, a nonexclusive list of these causes are:
1. Control issues. Clearly unwanted control of the marital relationship from this writer’s view is the most dominating cause of marital failure. Control can be mental, physical or emotional. It can extend to who manages the marital estate, who has decision powers or input regarding asset acquisition and who shares information that goes to the core and lifetime issues of a marriage. Control is also impacted by simple unsolicited power – who manages the feelings of the husband and wife; are there limitations or artificial prerequisites to expressing feelings; are there false expectations; are there abuse issues. Abuse issues can be mental or physical. Although physical abuse is the most reported, clearly emotional abuse is an overwhelming reason for divorce as it relates to control of one spouse over the other.
2. Outside forces. Parents, grandparents, great grandparents influence on the marital relationship, separate estates, proceeds, trusts, lands, stipends, independent wealth issues, religious issues, and step-children issues. Frequently, in blended families, step-children, children of the half blood, adopted or otherwise can be a crowning achievement for the blended family or a death sentence to its continuation. Although men and women wish, choose, and strive to accept another person’s child as their own, and in many cases are extremely successful in that regard, more often than not, artificial and unrealistic expectations of one spouse as to the other spouse’s attitude toward his or her children disrupt the marital relationship and place the non-blood spouse in an impossible position. Children of another marriage are frequently, depending on age and maturity, excellent adept manipulators of this difficult situation, sometimes terribly aggravating the problem and accelerating the breakdown of the marriage.
3. Adultery. Adultery, though a cause of divorce, is almost always a symptom rather than a cause. People seek escape from stress, control, abuse, alcoholism, etc. both male and female, and often adultery (if not obsessive or compulsive) is a mere anesthetic and self-medication for feeling bad. When the emotional divorce has not been accepted, when the relationship has devolved into anxiety, depression, or high stress levels, people seek relief from those pains in others.
4. Addiction. Alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addiction, illicit sex addiction all contribute to and are conducive to a failed marital relationship. By far, alcoholism is the highest and best candidate for failure in the view of this writer. However, any form of addictive behavior which places an addictive person’s type of conduct or activity in the center of a relationship, at some point and time in the future, is dooming the husband and wife for the divorce lawyer’s office. There have been remarkable strides in treatment in recent years. There are rehabilitative, medical, and therapeutic answers to many of these issues that did not exist in the past. Still, without exception, there must be a full acceptance of the addicted person of his or her problem for these therapeutic means to result in an acceptable end.
The Nacol Law Firm PC
Law office of Dallas Attorney Mark Nacol
Serving clients in the Dallas - Fort Worth Metroplex Areas for over 30 years
Tel: 972-690-3333
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