When a custody lawsuit commences, parents need to be thinking primarily about what is in the best interest of the child(ren). The needs and rights of the child(ren) are of paramount importance in a child custody case and the court’s primary focus.
In accordance with Section 153.002 of the Texas Family Code, parents are ordinarily considered to be equal in their right to parent their child(ren). It is the best interests of the child(ren) that are paramount, and the aim of the Texas Family Code is to:
1. Assure that child(ren) will have frequent and continuing contact with parents who have shown the ability to act in the best interest of the child(ren);
2. Provide a safe, stable, and non-violent environment for the child(ren); and
3. Encourage parents to share in the rights and duties of raising their child(ren) after the parents have separated or dissolved their marriage.
If you are a parent who is preparing for a custody battle, you would do well to make this your primary goal throughout the litigation.
Vengeful parents often engage in destructive conduct by trying to move out of state in an attempt to separate the child(ren) geographically from the non-custodial parent. If vengeance is the custodial parent’s primary motive, this has many benefits: it becomes more difficult for the non-custodial parent to exercise visitation, and at the same time makes it more difficult (and expensive) for the non-custodial parent to seek relief through the courts for denied visitation or other wrongful acts by the custodial parent. A move-away, depending upon distance, can also isolate the child(ren) from the non-custodial parent. If you suspect your spouse may do this, you need to be prepared and act proactively. A key item to have incorporated into final paperwork is an “anti-move-away” clause. Essentially, this states that if the custodial parent moves more than a certain number of miles away, custody changes to the remaining parent and/or restricting the permanent domicile of the child(ren) to designated counties.
Stay meaningfully involved in your child(ren)’s lives on a regular and continuing basis. Being heavily involved with your child(ren) for very short periods of time will not bring favor in the eyes of the court.
Keep a detailed record or diary of the details of how much you have been involved with your child(ren)’s school and extracurricular activities. Attend school meetings. Take pictures. Schedule family vacations. Visit relatives and friends and schedule sleepovers with your child(ren)’s peers. Take your child(ren) to the dentist and the doctor. Don’t spoil your child(ren), reasonably discipline your child(ren) when necessary and document why you took such action. Take advantage of extra time extended you by your spouse and try to extend visitation when possible if only for a couple of hours. Initiate and support birthdays, school activities, and college requirements. Document all relevant case issues and facts.
Keep in mind that your child(ren) are not equipped to deal with the range of emotions experienced by an adult, and that ventilating your personal difficulties on them is not only unhelpful, but can be a form of abuse and can create lasting emotional scars and is viewed with disfavor in the courthouse.
Parents preparing for custody cases before the court in Texas must be mindful of the extraordinary damage they can do when denigrating the other spouse in front of their child(ren). Such behavior is not only damaging to the child(ren), but may and usually will, be taken into consideration by the court. A noticeable failure to maintain self-control may be considered an indicator of an inability to parent.
If you can remain involved in your child(ren)’s lives enough to find out how his or her relationship is with your former spouse, you may be able to build a better case to show the court you are the better custodial parent, and in the meantime productively provide for your child(ren) in his or her best interest.
Showing posts with label child custody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label child custody. Show all posts
Friday, August 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Divorce really sucks (a view from the trenches) Part 4
Psychological Impact of Marital Dissolution on the Nuclear Family:
Communication Traps & Myths
Part IV: Divorce Really Sucks (a iew from the trenches)
Even in the best of circumstances, the divorce process is an emotionally traumatic event which gives rise to several myths to be recognized and avoided during the tenure of a divorce. A non-exclusive list of pitfalls to avoid include the following:
1. A husband or wife should take great care to address their feelings directly as to what is occurring and avoid projecting those feelings on to others, especially with regard to family, friends, attorneys, counselors and others involved in the process. Spouses should take great care to remember that they are not married to their counselors or legal representatives, but it is very easy and emotionally convenient to feel “all of this money I am losing and all of these fees and pain are my lawyer’s fault” or “the opposing lawyer’s fault.” Certainly, as with all occupations, trades or work, there are some disreputable attorneys who will exploit an emotional trauma for gain. By and large, however, extensive expensive divorces at some point inevitably result from the lack of emotional acceptance of the spouses of the process, their own feelings, and the simple truth that a good deal of pain and grief must be dealt with before the matter may be concluded.
2. “Life can remain stable and normal during a divorce.” In some rare cases and to some degree this can happen. However, in the vast majority of divorces, failure to address the pain and grief inevitable in divorce will only repress the truth of what is occurring and the grief and pain will return at some time in the future. A more constructive approach is to directly address one’s feelings, pain, and dissolution of the property estate as fully as possible during the process. Psychological counseling is extremely productive during this process.
3. “I just want it over!” “I just want out!” Issues that are not fully resolved in the divorce process will return. Denial results in post-divorce modifications, post-divorce custody suits and post-divorce clarification proceedings which frequently are more expensive in attorney’s fees and lost time from employment than what the total amount of the cost of the divorce would have been had these issues been directly addressed and resolved.
4. “I want to take him/her to the cleaners!” This approach denies basic law of dissolution and is an unscrupulous lawyer’s dream come true. In truth, there are no victors in a divorce. Regardless of the facts or egregious circumstances, there are no winners. If the emotional aspects of a divorce are addressed properly and therapeutically and if acceptance of the dissolution occurs quickly, there may however be survivors, not the least of which are the children of the marriage.
5. “It was all my fault.” There are many divorces where fault is substantially placed, and should be placed, on one of the spouses. However, in the vast majority of divorce cases, the simple truth is both spouses share in the blame, not the least of which was the original decision (poor judgment) to enter into a relationship that may have been doomed form the beginning. Denial of this type results in poor decision making regarding placement of the children, possession periods, the amount of child support and other issues which inevitably arise again in the future resulting in attorney’s fees and expenses well in excess of what they would have been if true feelings had been dealt with at the time of the original divorce.
It has been this writer’s experience that, but for extremely rare exceptions, anxiety and/or depression will occur while the grief reaction runs its course. If the spouses have accepted the emotional divorce, the result is frequently depression. However, depression can be dealt with clinically and with medication. Depression while dehabilitating will pass in time as the grief reaction runs its course and with the help of coping skills learned or used to expedite the process. If the parties have not accepted the emotional divorce, the inevitable result is chronic and habitual anxiety. Anxiety is the killer. It has no beginning and no end and undermines the real issues in the divorce, working with the children for an understanding transition, employment and other life needs and beliefs. With proper acceptance, guidance and counseling, although there can be no winners, there certainly can be survivors and a relative fresh start. A broken home, free of depression and anxiety where the children understand that they have not been divorced but are in a new environment where they have two loving homes free of anxiety and depression, is infinitely better, healthier and more productive to their development and self-actualization as they become adults than a chronic anxiety-filled life wherein two spouses contaminate the nuclear relationship with denial, anxiety and discontent.
Nacol Law Firm PC
Office of Attorney Mark Nacol
Serving clients in the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex for over 30 years
Tel: 972-690 -3333
Communication Traps & Myths
Part IV: Divorce Really Sucks (a iew from the trenches)
Even in the best of circumstances, the divorce process is an emotionally traumatic event which gives rise to several myths to be recognized and avoided during the tenure of a divorce. A non-exclusive list of pitfalls to avoid include the following:
1. A husband or wife should take great care to address their feelings directly as to what is occurring and avoid projecting those feelings on to others, especially with regard to family, friends, attorneys, counselors and others involved in the process. Spouses should take great care to remember that they are not married to their counselors or legal representatives, but it is very easy and emotionally convenient to feel “all of this money I am losing and all of these fees and pain are my lawyer’s fault” or “the opposing lawyer’s fault.” Certainly, as with all occupations, trades or work, there are some disreputable attorneys who will exploit an emotional trauma for gain. By and large, however, extensive expensive divorces at some point inevitably result from the lack of emotional acceptance of the spouses of the process, their own feelings, and the simple truth that a good deal of pain and grief must be dealt with before the matter may be concluded.
2. “Life can remain stable and normal during a divorce.” In some rare cases and to some degree this can happen. However, in the vast majority of divorces, failure to address the pain and grief inevitable in divorce will only repress the truth of what is occurring and the grief and pain will return at some time in the future. A more constructive approach is to directly address one’s feelings, pain, and dissolution of the property estate as fully as possible during the process. Psychological counseling is extremely productive during this process.
3. “I just want it over!” “I just want out!” Issues that are not fully resolved in the divorce process will return. Denial results in post-divorce modifications, post-divorce custody suits and post-divorce clarification proceedings which frequently are more expensive in attorney’s fees and lost time from employment than what the total amount of the cost of the divorce would have been had these issues been directly addressed and resolved.
4. “I want to take him/her to the cleaners!” This approach denies basic law of dissolution and is an unscrupulous lawyer’s dream come true. In truth, there are no victors in a divorce. Regardless of the facts or egregious circumstances, there are no winners. If the emotional aspects of a divorce are addressed properly and therapeutically and if acceptance of the dissolution occurs quickly, there may however be survivors, not the least of which are the children of the marriage.
5. “It was all my fault.” There are many divorces where fault is substantially placed, and should be placed, on one of the spouses. However, in the vast majority of divorce cases, the simple truth is both spouses share in the blame, not the least of which was the original decision (poor judgment) to enter into a relationship that may have been doomed form the beginning. Denial of this type results in poor decision making regarding placement of the children, possession periods, the amount of child support and other issues which inevitably arise again in the future resulting in attorney’s fees and expenses well in excess of what they would have been if true feelings had been dealt with at the time of the original divorce.
It has been this writer’s experience that, but for extremely rare exceptions, anxiety and/or depression will occur while the grief reaction runs its course. If the spouses have accepted the emotional divorce, the result is frequently depression. However, depression can be dealt with clinically and with medication. Depression while dehabilitating will pass in time as the grief reaction runs its course and with the help of coping skills learned or used to expedite the process. If the parties have not accepted the emotional divorce, the inevitable result is chronic and habitual anxiety. Anxiety is the killer. It has no beginning and no end and undermines the real issues in the divorce, working with the children for an understanding transition, employment and other life needs and beliefs. With proper acceptance, guidance and counseling, although there can be no winners, there certainly can be survivors and a relative fresh start. A broken home, free of depression and anxiety where the children understand that they have not been divorced but are in a new environment where they have two loving homes free of anxiety and depression, is infinitely better, healthier and more productive to their development and self-actualization as they become adults than a chronic anxiety-filled life wherein two spouses contaminate the nuclear relationship with denial, anxiety and discontent.
Nacol Law Firm PC
Office of Attorney Mark Nacol
Serving clients in the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex for over 30 years
Tel: 972-690 -3333
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Divorce really sucks (a view from the trenches) Part 3
Psychological Impact Of Marital Dissolution On The Nuclear Family - or How does divorce make you feel?
Divorce Wars/Legal Strategies and Myths
The cost, effectiveness, pain, and complexity of a divorce is frequently directly related to that point in time in which the man and woman accept an emotional divorce. Generally, the divorce commences at the time of the filing of the petitioner’s original petition and ends, absent appeal, thirty days following the entry of a final judgment of divorce. The emotional divorce, however, may occur prior to the commencement of the action, during the commencement of the action, or following entry of a final judgment. Likewise, the emotional divorce may be accepted prior to the commencement of the action, following the filing of the original petition or after entry of a final judgment. Although there are a number of cases in which fault primarily rests with one spouse, experience has shown that emotional acceptance, in the vast majority of divorce cases, can only occur when both husband and wife accept partial fault. In other words, at the core of all marital disputes is the unrecognized and repressed reality that both parties may have made a poor judgment in electing to commence the marital compact in the first place.
Absent adult and real emotional acceptance of some level of partial responsibility for failed judgment, divorce wars can evolve primarily to establish who is “wrong” or “responsible” or “at fault” and generally lead to higher costs, attorney’s fees, expense, expert fees and other strategical expenses necessary to fully put forward the position of the client. The ammunition employed by the attorney on behalf of the client is available from a number of categories, including temporary and, in some cases, post-divorce alimony, asset distribution, asset allocation, child support, possession periods with the children, holidays with the children, payment of attorney’s fees, depositions, document discovery and analysis, psychological evaluations, drug testing, etc.
If, in fact, the emotional acceptance of the dissolution has occurred prior to or relatively near commencement of the divorce proceeding, it is much simpler and emotionally constructive to address the underlying core issues in the divorce more quickly and effectively. Those issues in a relationship with children, blended or otherwise, should and frequently do in an acceptance situation, revolve around the best interest of the children and the constructive approach to an adult respectful resolution that takes into account the future stability and workability of the husband and wife and particularly the children to a relationship. Frequently, the key to a quick, more cost effective and therapeutic result is the employment of qualified counselors to aid the parties on this very difficult and complicated road that must be walked prior to commencing a different life following dissolution. When there are children involved, the sooner the parties recognize that though they may divorce one another they are not divorcing their children, the sooner the recovery process can begin. Regardless of fault, responsibility or other adversarial issues, for both husband and wife, there will be future soccer games, T-ball games, graduations, marriages, funerals, reunions and other social events which in all reasonable probability, they will both be in attendance. So long as both spouses place the best interests of the child above their own best interest, in a large majority of the cases, regardless of who is at fault, a reasonable and cost effective result may be expeditiously accomplished.
The Nacol Law Firm PC
Attorney Mark Nacol
Serving clients in the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex for over 30 years
972-690-3333
Divorce Wars/Legal Strategies and Myths
The cost, effectiveness, pain, and complexity of a divorce is frequently directly related to that point in time in which the man and woman accept an emotional divorce. Generally, the divorce commences at the time of the filing of the petitioner’s original petition and ends, absent appeal, thirty days following the entry of a final judgment of divorce. The emotional divorce, however, may occur prior to the commencement of the action, during the commencement of the action, or following entry of a final judgment. Likewise, the emotional divorce may be accepted prior to the commencement of the action, following the filing of the original petition or after entry of a final judgment. Although there are a number of cases in which fault primarily rests with one spouse, experience has shown that emotional acceptance, in the vast majority of divorce cases, can only occur when both husband and wife accept partial fault. In other words, at the core of all marital disputes is the unrecognized and repressed reality that both parties may have made a poor judgment in electing to commence the marital compact in the first place.
Absent adult and real emotional acceptance of some level of partial responsibility for failed judgment, divorce wars can evolve primarily to establish who is “wrong” or “responsible” or “at fault” and generally lead to higher costs, attorney’s fees, expense, expert fees and other strategical expenses necessary to fully put forward the position of the client. The ammunition employed by the attorney on behalf of the client is available from a number of categories, including temporary and, in some cases, post-divorce alimony, asset distribution, asset allocation, child support, possession periods with the children, holidays with the children, payment of attorney’s fees, depositions, document discovery and analysis, psychological evaluations, drug testing, etc.
If, in fact, the emotional acceptance of the dissolution has occurred prior to or relatively near commencement of the divorce proceeding, it is much simpler and emotionally constructive to address the underlying core issues in the divorce more quickly and effectively. Those issues in a relationship with children, blended or otherwise, should and frequently do in an acceptance situation, revolve around the best interest of the children and the constructive approach to an adult respectful resolution that takes into account the future stability and workability of the husband and wife and particularly the children to a relationship. Frequently, the key to a quick, more cost effective and therapeutic result is the employment of qualified counselors to aid the parties on this very difficult and complicated road that must be walked prior to commencing a different life following dissolution. When there are children involved, the sooner the parties recognize that though they may divorce one another they are not divorcing their children, the sooner the recovery process can begin. Regardless of fault, responsibility or other adversarial issues, for both husband and wife, there will be future soccer games, T-ball games, graduations, marriages, funerals, reunions and other social events which in all reasonable probability, they will both be in attendance. So long as both spouses place the best interests of the child above their own best interest, in a large majority of the cases, regardless of who is at fault, a reasonable and cost effective result may be expeditiously accomplished.
The Nacol Law Firm PC
Attorney Mark Nacol
Serving clients in the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex for over 30 years
972-690-3333
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Parent Alienation in Divorce
In recent years, “parent alienation” has become more prevalent in divorce cases. Parent alienation is the dramatic change in the relationship between a parent and their child when the child is used as a tool by one parent to hurt the other parent. Parent alienation can include much more than brainwashing of a child. In many cases, the child becomes hostile towards the alienated parent as they are fed not just conscious, but subconscious and unconscious, messages by the alienating parent. Frequently, the child will turn on the parent they previously loved and were very close to prior to the institution of the divorce proceeding. In some cases, the alienating parent will go to extreme lengths to keep the alienated parent from seeing the child for long periods of time. Children begin acting out and the situation quickly becomes volatile.
When children are used in such a manner, emotions are quickly aroused and a very simple divorce case can quickly become a highly contested case fueled by resentment and hostility.
Parents who are successful in getting primary custody of a child in a parent alienation situation share many similar characteristics and may use some of the following tools to assist them in their defense:
1. Keep an even-temper, remain logical and keep your emotions under control. Never retaliate.
2. Though you may think of giving up, never do so.
3. Go to the financial expense of seeing the case through. Never give up on your child. There can be nothing more important than the happiness of your child.
4. Seek help from a skilled attorney who has experience with parental alienation.
5. Familiarize yourself with how the courts work and the laws as they apply to your specific case.
6. Seek professional help and diagnosis.
7. Request a social study into the circumstances of the child.
8. Request a psychological evaluation of the alienating parent.
9. Keep a chronology or diary of events (this will help to jog your memory, keep track of witnesses, etc.).
10. Document the alienation for submission as evidence in court.
11. Keep the best interest of the child at heart.
12. Provide the Court with an appropriate parenting plan.
13. Make sure you understand the nature of the problem and focus on correcting it, even though you are being victimized.
14. Always call and show up for visitation with your child at the scheduled time, even if there is no chance of the child being there.
15. Take witnesses to testify that the child is not at home when you exercise your visitation rights.
16. Focus on the child, and never talk to the child about the other parent or the divorce case.
17. Never violate the Court’s orders.
18. If you are receiving disturbing phone calls from the child or the other parent, tape the calls.
19. If you are receiving disturbing emails or text messages from the child or the other parent, make a copy and place in a file.
Though none of these tips will guarantee that you get custody of the child, they will definitely assist you in building a case against the parent who is attempting to alienate you from your child.
The Nacol Law Firm PC
Serving clients with divorce / parent alienation issues
in the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex area
Tel: 972-690-3333
When children are used in such a manner, emotions are quickly aroused and a very simple divorce case can quickly become a highly contested case fueled by resentment and hostility.
Parents who are successful in getting primary custody of a child in a parent alienation situation share many similar characteristics and may use some of the following tools to assist them in their defense:
1. Keep an even-temper, remain logical and keep your emotions under control. Never retaliate.
2. Though you may think of giving up, never do so.
3. Go to the financial expense of seeing the case through. Never give up on your child. There can be nothing more important than the happiness of your child.
4. Seek help from a skilled attorney who has experience with parental alienation.
5. Familiarize yourself with how the courts work and the laws as they apply to your specific case.
6. Seek professional help and diagnosis.
7. Request a social study into the circumstances of the child.
8. Request a psychological evaluation of the alienating parent.
9. Keep a chronology or diary of events (this will help to jog your memory, keep track of witnesses, etc.).
10. Document the alienation for submission as evidence in court.
11. Keep the best interest of the child at heart.
12. Provide the Court with an appropriate parenting plan.
13. Make sure you understand the nature of the problem and focus on correcting it, even though you are being victimized.
14. Always call and show up for visitation with your child at the scheduled time, even if there is no chance of the child being there.
15. Take witnesses to testify that the child is not at home when you exercise your visitation rights.
16. Focus on the child, and never talk to the child about the other parent or the divorce case.
17. Never violate the Court’s orders.
18. If you are receiving disturbing phone calls from the child or the other parent, tape the calls.
19. If you are receiving disturbing emails or text messages from the child or the other parent, make a copy and place in a file.
Though none of these tips will guarantee that you get custody of the child, they will definitely assist you in building a case against the parent who is attempting to alienate you from your child.
The Nacol Law Firm PC
Serving clients with divorce / parent alienation issues
in the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex area
Tel: 972-690-3333
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